I have often asked myself why I like the mist. Days when time seems to stand still and the edges of the world soften. On days like these, I am happy with the state of not knowing what is over the horizon or where exactly we have come from. It throws me very physically into the present where one foot is placed in front of the other & beyond that we trust in the unknown.
Sometimes, in the starkness of day & the glare of the modern world, the “what if?” path inevitably appears more alluring than the “what is”. As much as we know that it is futile not to accept things as they are, we are constantly tempted to contemplate alternatives. I allowed myself glimpses at the beginning. It was hard not to at that time when the physical ties of that glowing state of new motherhood gave me a foothold in both worlds and my arms still felt full of him. My imagination would spiral to a point of not feeling such a primal pain. I could imagine Oliver being here; I could envisage a future version of him: 2 years, 3 years, 4 years.
These avenues of loss overwhelmed me and the pressure of an alternate future seemed too big a responsibility for a baby who had already given us so much. At the beginning, treading carefully began as a conscious effort to transform and re-frame. “What is” replaced “what if”. I would often wake up so full of Oliver’s presence that my first waking thought was “what if he was still here?” when I could have been asking “what if he is?” Forgetting the conscious mind that tries to create order and logic from the physical world, the simple conclusion would be.. but of course.
And so I tend not to dabble in conditionals anymore, or specifically on the condition that he had lived. There will always be a certain agony that lies between what is and what might have been, and dwelling there has never been helpful to me. Whilst Oliver might not be here, ageing in a physical way, he still has so much presence. He IS still here. I see him in Lily’s smile, in my eyes, in my husband’s ears. I see him in sunrises, the night sky, nature. He is in our determination to endure, to be present and to live our lives fully and with passion. “What is” is an infinite amount of love. He is enough as he is. And so much more.
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