You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming.. That’s where I’ll be waiting.
Parkes (1969) who has studied grief in humans and its equivalent in animals has described certain patterns of behaviour in response to loss. He particularly looked at maternal grief, and how animals instinctively respond to the death of their young by attempting to fill the hole or absence created. In conscious humans, this “hole” is reflected upon in a more cognitive way and approached from the industrial mindset of fixing. But the connection with our primitive brain is still evident when our subconscious prompts us to become agitated, restless and to search for our lost loved one in much the same way that animals are pre-occupied by any conceivable sign of their missing infant.
And so it was that by day, we searched for answers and by night we searched for Oliver. Perhaps more painfully, we always found him. My husband’s dreams were more easily translated than my own – running down hospital corridors looking for our baby. My own dreams came like a thief in the night. I spent hours with a foothold in another world, and dreamt of such a strong physical presence that waking would be the most painful moment as the loss hit afresh. Any battle I had fought the previous day to lift myself up came unravelled. I would start each day repeating words of comfort to myself to try and re-arrange my mind: a perfect example of the conscious mind attempting to fill and fix the hole.
Dreams can help us at a deeper level to make sense of incomprehensible things. It is the body’s natural survival mechanism to feel exhausted and want to sleep in the early stages of grief. It is a necessary escape from a pain that is so intense, enabling the mind to experience moments of peace. Even if it is only to be re-awakened to the pain every morning. Now that the “hole” has been filled consciously, the subconscious does not need to protect me as much anymore. I no longer wake up feeling excited that Oliver is still here as my knowledge of the situation has changed. My understanding of absence has been transformed into a different kind of presence and I no longer need to search subconsciously to find what I had been looking for.
No Comments