Love

Sometimes the love and gratitude that I feel for my husband will startle me when I am in the middle of doing the most mundane of things. I could be stacking plates and suddenly I will be right back at the moment we met in India, to the first conversation where a sense of pure and selfless optimism shone through his words – telling me this person is amazing; this person can do anything they put their mind to… and I will feel lucky all over again that he is my husband and that I am the one who gets to see him all the time.

Stu and I nearly met each other several times before we actually did. In our teens, my running track circled the field he played football on. In our twenties, we went to the same festivals and parties. It transpired that we were invited to the same wedding once and yet we were not aware of each other’s existence. We lived on opposite sides of England when fate sent us both to the same tiny part of India. I am so deeply grateful for that first meeting, for that sense of coming home that everyone talks about. We met in January, got engaged in India in April and married in France in July.. testament to the phrase “when you know, you just know”.

Since that first meeting in India, we have both celebrated, questioned, cried, grieved and accepted together but most of all loved. In all the documents we were given after Oliver’s death, we were told that marriages can be tested by grief. I am so grateful that this has not been part of our story. For the first month, we held hands almost constantly. At night, we slept with our heads pressed together and our hands clasped, and it was in these moments that I felt Oliver’s presence most strongly. Stu is the only one who understands that I might have tears rolling down my face, but that I am filled with joy at the same time. He is the only one who shares that deep connection, that huge sense of pride and love for our son. The love that I have for my husband and that we both share for Oliver will always be my biggest source of strength.

And so it is that our love is bigger in this life after loss. Everything is bigger – emotions, senses, relationships, moments. I am grateful for that. Because it all does come back to love, the counterpart to grief and the momentum that drives us to each next moment. A lifetime of love condensed into 3 days. Who else can even begin to comprehend that kind of love unless they have lived it alongside you?